The Downward Spiral

I have heard my favorite album. Contrary to what you might be thinking based on the title of this post, that album is not by Nine Inch Nails. I could tell you what album it is, and perhaps someone reading this might know me well enough to guess, but that would lead to a discussion about that album. Certainly, I could make my case for why I think this is the best album ever made (although I'm not even sure I feel that way; favorite and best are not the same thing), but "best" is really just a measure of "good", and what the hell does that mean, anyway? No, my point is that, at 28, music (in all likelihood) has peaked for me. And while I'm not sure exactly what that means yet, I know it means something.

For starters, let me clarify a few details about why this album (which will be referred to as "Album X" henceforth) is my favorite album. Album X came out in my lifetime, which is an important distinction. The Beatles made some great albums, and some of those I might consider to be the "best" album ever made, but my (and probably most peoples') favorite album is about more than just being the best. It's about how an album strikes you when you first hear it, which itself is dependent on a number of factors. When Album X came out, I was living with someone at the time. We had been together for a few years and were living in my parents house. We had recently moved out of the house we had been living in but hadn't found a new place to live yet. I listened to Album X the first time, shortly before we went to bed. I played it on her computer while she was already lying down. I'll never forget how much she seemed to enjoy watching me enjoy it. These are the sorts of little things that can't be recreated on further listens or another album.

Album X's genre is somewhat unimportant as well (my favorite style of music vs. your favorite style of music is irrelevant in this scenario), but even within a given form, there are still times when music can surprise you. Album X was (and still is in someways) the only music I had ever heard that sounded the way it did. This may seem like an absurd or nonsensical statement, but think about the first time you discovered a particular band or type of music. That feeling of having a door opened that you didn't even know was there. That door can never be closed, which is a good thing, but that also means you can never open it again.

This isn't to say that I will never be surprised by a new album, but I have serious doubts that I will ever be surprised in that way ever again. While the internet age has made it easier to find more and better music than we used to have access to, it also means that there is a smaller chance of finding some new thing that completely shifts your understanding of music. Sure, there are new bands posting videos of themselves right now that I will never hear but would possibly love. But with such a large pool of styles available to us, what are the chances that band would sound unlike anything we have ever heard before?

I don't want to sound like someone's dad. As I mentioned, I still find new music that I like. I think there is potential for great music in the future, and even think that maybe (a big maybe, but maybe) their might be good music on popular radio again one day. But I don't think I'll ever have a better album experience than the one I had listening to Album X. And that is a strange realization.

It's not necessarily a bad thing. Realizing how much something means to you is a good thing. It's possible that this doesn't actually change anything for me at all. If I still seek new music and enjoy music (in general) as much as I used to, what's different? This is the sort of understanding that can make me feel old, but it doesn't actually change anything about my physical age. So if I don't act any differently, and nothing has actually, physically changed as a result of this, then it would seem to reason out that I shouldn't feel any differently at all. But I do.

Maybe it's because, like all milestones in life, it represents a sort of end. An end of possibility. As soon as we are old enough to be aware of the future, we consider the assorted events and experiences life has in store for us. Even though we are always moving towards fewer and fewer of these possibilities, we aren't always aware of it. And even if we stop and think about it, we don't often feel it. This makes me feel it. Which isn't to say that I feel like I'm closer to "the end", or that feel I have fewer possibilities now than I did when I first heard Album X (even though that is true). It simply means that I'm aware of this event within my own life. And as strange as that is, I think I like it. At least now I know what I'm looking for, and not just in an album.